Raff and love. Love & Loss. Chos.

I don’t usually write ~*cheesy*~ rants like these but I feel like I have to. I have to let it all out. It’s 4:14 in the morning and I’m listening to ‘What Hurts The Most’ by Rascal Flatts. Blame them. Ha ha. So… here goes…

I  first fell in love six years ago. He was one of my high school batch mates. He’s very smart and from 1st - 4th year of high school, he belonged in the honors section. Anyway, I loved him but the feeling wasn’t mutual. We were close friends back then. Almost best friends, actually. I’ve told him things that I wouldn’t tell anybody else. And he did too. He told me things he’s never told anybody. We were friends until I became a bitter bitch. I disliked every one of his friends. I was so insecure but I wanted him all to my self. I was selfish. We slowly began to grow apart until him and I just didn’t talk. And that hurt me so much that it damaged me. There was a time when I didn’t stop drinking. There were nights when I cut because I was so mad at myself. And there was one time I did “drugs” (a friend gave them to me) at school. I was stupid, I know. But I just wanted him so bad. I wanted him so fucking bad and until now, even though we still don’t “talk”, I still have feelings for him. I guess that’s just the way it is. First love never dies. And every now and then, I reminisce the good times that we had.  Don’t get me wrong. I don’t love him anymore. I just miss him so much. Maybe because it’s been a long time, I don’t know. I just grew up, I guess. We both did. But even though we grew up and grew apart, I will always have feelings for him. Good thing he doesn’t have a Tumblr. He’d just laugh at me for saying these things.

After high school, I met new people, had a few “flings” but last term, I met this guy who made me feel… infatuated/in love/I’m not really sure. All I knew was, every time I see him and every fucking time, he smiles at me, I always get “kilig”. I don’t know. He’s just very different from all the other guys that I liked. And my feelings for him were in a way, different too. If that makes any sense. Lol. I think he knew that I liked him but I’m not really sure. My friends said that I was being obvious but whatever. He’s straight so I know I didn’t have a chance. Anyway, he was kind of my inspiration last term. He was so good at what he did and he inspired me to do my best in school. And well, not to brag but, I made it to the dean’s list. The term ended and him and I are still friends. We chat. We text. We Facebook. And sometimes, I see him at school but that’s it. I still like him but not as much as before. Maybe it was just infatuation. IDK.

There’s one more guy but it’s 5 in the morning and I have to sleep. I’ll just save this as draft and continue writing later.

——

So it’s 1:43 in the afternoon and I just had sinful lunch aka Shakey’s pizza. Ohkaay. Here’s ze continuation…

I met this guy a few months ago and I don’t know I’ve always had a crush on him. I don’t know him very well and we’re not close or anything but I think I kind of like him. IDK. He’s… perfect. Haha! HE IS! He’s tall, and cute, and cute, and cute and did I mention he’s cute?! Ugh. Oh well. He’s too good for me. He’s way out of my league. I want him so bad tho. UGH PERFECTION. Okay, I’m not in the mood to write anymore. Maybe because it’s almost 2 in the afternoon and I’m way too sleepy. Oh well. Ciao.

PS. Ra/cra’c cdibet vun pnaygehk ouin raynd.

(Geeks will get the post script message.)